recovering from the wind and waves

James 1:5-6 ESV

“If any of you lacks wisdom, let him ask God, who gives generously to all without reproach, and it will be given him. But let him ask in faith, with no doubting, for the one who doubts is like a wave of the sea that is driven and tossed by the wind.”

I haven’t been devouring the Bible lately. I have been gnawing on the Bible, at a slow and interesting pace. I would love to wake up, read a full Pauline epistle and walk through the four stages of Lectio Divina in a beautiful Psalm. There have been many stages of my life where I could devour massive quantities of scripture, and go to war in prayer each and every day. But today, I simply cannot do it. When I sit down with God in the mornings, almost instantly I am overwhelmed with His Holiness and beauty. It becomes difficult to speak, to think, or to move. I am paralyzed, and it is exactly what I need. I open up my Bible, and I can typically get through about five verses before words jump off the page and into my heart. I cannot help but stop, pray, and sit on the few words that I am engaging with. God, in His infinite wisdom and understanding, knows exactly what I need. Today, what I need is quality time. I need a small number of words to read, and a large amount of time to spend with Him.

I have a suspicion as to why God has brought me to this place of simplicity with Him. Let me share how God has changed my life this year.

I am recovering. I spent a few months in early 2021 tossing in waves and wind, and I have spent the past couple of months recovering. Hence, the reason why this blog has been vacant for a while. I have been recovering from self-inflicted wounds. The wind and waves were not at all circumstantial, they were internal. The storm surfaced the moment I began to doubt the wisdom of God. In my impatience, I began to doubt the path I was walking.

I doubted God’s timing in bringing me down the path.

I doubted God’s geographical placement for my wife and me.

I doubted God.

But above all, I doubted my own ability to hear God’s voice. Because the path I am walking is so far off from where I had imagined, I felt as if I had missed it. I missed the voice of the Lord. Now, I am stumbling along a rocky trail that leads to an unknown place.

In all of my doubt, I felt the wind and waves begin to rise and rage within my soul (if you didn’t read the first verse listed at the beginning of this blog post, now would be a great time to read and reflect on it). I knew that I had stepped outside of the call to abide. I knew that I was becoming impatient. But I was confused. I despised my circumstances. I felt lonely and small. I felt that I was making no strides in any area of life. I was poisoned by comparison. I was disappointed in myself. All of these inner emotions carried me into a desire to control my life, so I began to white-knuckle my way through every day until I made progress.

My white-knuckling days turned into weeks, which then turned into months. I spent very little time with the Lord. I spent very little time serving my wife. My focus was on one thing: performance. I wanted to read every book in sight, excel at work, never miss a day of working out, generate more income, become more likable, and grow into someone greater than myself. And I wanted all of these things to happen IMMEDIATELY. I don’t believe my desires listed above are inherently evil, but my motivation for this new life was evil. I wanted to impress the world. I wanted to perform so others would notice me. I wanted to perform my way off of a path that God led me down. Although the very thing I deserved in my sin was the Lord’s evasion of me, the very opposite occurred. Christ pursued me in my sin. In His wonderful grace, the Holy Spirit interrupted my worldly thought patterns and put a mirror in front of my heart. God gave me eyes to see the sin in my heart, and He invited me back into the John 15 vision of abiding. In the singular moment of the Holy Spirit’s interruption, I began to weep. My tears were not generated from any change circumstance, but because God was calling me back to His heart. I was overwhelmed with my sin, but more overwhelmed with the Lord’s grace and love. As James wrote, my own ways made me like a wave in the sea, helplessly tossed by the wind. But God, in His grace, pursued my heart. He brought me back to Him, and I have never felt more at home.

I also repented. I asked the Lord to change my mind and its patterns of thinking. I repented to God for stepping outside of His shadow. I repented to my wife for being absent. I also reminded myself about the importance of God’s wisdom. I believed, in my worldly thinking, that a change in circumstance would bring me joy. I believed that having a different title, or an impressive set of accomplishments would set me free from the anxiety spurred by comparison. I asked the Lord to crush my worldly thinking, and the mind of Christ would be the only processing system with a voice in my life. God has most definitely answered my prayers.

Today, nothing has changed circumstantially. I am still walking the same road I was once highly unsatisfied with. But today, everything is different. I see the path in a new light. I see the colors and blessings all around. I am so grateful to God for today, and His call on my life for the present moment. The Holy Spirit has created peace within me, and the storm is finally silenced. I still am walking this path that leads to the unknown, but today, I am walking with confidence, knowing that God is good. I see His face, I know His heart, I trust His rhythm, and I hunger and thirst for Him.

I love you, Jesus. Forevermore.