trust me, son
I have never considered myself to be a person that wrestles with anxiety. I have taken pride in my own ability to brush off stressful situations and have confidence that it will work out. To be completely transparent, I have been overwhelmed with anxiety over the past month. This blog is simply a discussion of what I have discovered through my confusion and doubt. I hope it reminds you of just how faithful He is.
There seems to be a disconnect sometimes between my thoughts and reality. God is sovereign over reality, and God is on my side, and I am on God’s side, so why am I thinking that every area of my future is going to fall apart?
I am in an exciting season of life. Everyone around me has been congratulating me and asking me a billion questions about my future marriage and plans after college graduation. I am so appreciative of people’s interest in my life, but I can’t help but be reminded of the daunting uncertainties I have about my future. The future is terrifying. I am about to graduate college, find a job that can support my future wife as she will be busy with nursing school, move to a new area of the country, find an affordable place to live, and get married. Questions literally flood my mind as I think about these upcoming events (I’m about to be super vulnerable, which is tough for me, so please bear with me). Here's a few of the questions I am dealing with:
How will I find a great job with a theology degree?
The churches in Arkansas don’t seem to be looking for anyone to hire, what do I do?
How will I afford to go to graduate school?
How will I have time to go to graduate school?
How can I find an affordable place to live in a college town where everything is outrageously priced?
Will I find a loving community in an area where I barely know anyone?
Is it arrogant to market myself? Will God open the doors that need to be opened, or do I need to make things happen?
How can I get more speaking opportunities? It’s my passion to preach. I haven’t preached in nearly a year. Am I failing?
These questions are overwhelming. They are hard to deal with. I have been living in a mental state of failure. I feel like I am behind. I feel like I should be further along than I am. I’m so anxious, and honestly, I am carrying so much shame.
God hasn’t been quiet in this season though. He has been comforting, and He is so good at reminding me of who He is in light of my circumstances. After all, God is the one who called me to get a theology degree. He is also the One that prompted me to propose to Audrey. God is the one that lit a fire within me for ministry. He is the author of all of these new and exciting things that are happening in my life, but for some reason, I am having trouble trusting Him. Here is what I have noticed throughout this season of anxiety:
I have noticed that my anxiety is often birthed out of a constant misinterpretation of God’s nature. I don’t truly understand who God is if I am anxious about the future. My eyes are all too often fixed on God’s hand than His heart. Perhaps I have created an idol out of God’s doing rather than His essence. God is not double-minded. His mouth and his hands are always in sync with His heart. Humans aren’t like this. Humans typically have great intentions, but we have this discouraging tendency to fall short. I forget God is holy, and He does not fall short. I don’t understand how it can be so easy for my brain to bypass so many years of God’s faithfulness when evaluating situations. I think this human dilemma is why Paul wrote extensively about the mind and its effects.
Check out these life-changing verses.
THINK about the things of heaven, not the things of earth. For you died to this life, and your real life is hidden with Christ in God. Colossians 3:2-3
Don’ t copy the behavior and customs of this world, but let God transform you into a new person by changing the way you THINK. Then you will learn to know God’s will for you, which is good and pleasing and perfect. Romans 12:2
We destroy every proud obstacle that keeps people from knowing God. We capture their REBELLIOUS THOUGHTS and teach them to obey Christ. We use God’s mighty weapons, not worldly weapons, to knock down the STRONGHOLDS OF HUMAN REASONING and to destroy false arguments. 2 Corinthians 10:4-5
My greatest prayer and desire of this season that I am in is to align God’s nature with my thoughts. I want to be so immersed in God’s will and God’s presence that any thought that is contrary to Him is easily recognized as a counterfeit, and can be destroyed through the recognition of who Jesus truly is.
Out of a need for answers to the questions that have been racing through my mind, I have been listening to podcasts and reading books about accomplishing goals and attaining success. I have been hearing one common solution to my problem in my search for answers: success is attainable through pushing your spirit, mind, and body to the highest limits; success is attained through grit. I will be honest, I think there is a lot of truth to this idea. But I also think there are some underlying assumptions that need to be addressed. When people place grit and resilience as the premier contributor to success, people assume that success derives from personal ability. I have a problem with this. Let me be clear: I am a believer that Christians should be the hardest workers on the planet (for six days a week), but the heart behind the hard work should never be a pursuit of higher status or greater income. Hard work should be a response to who Jesus is, and what Jesus has done. The idea that success can only be attained through hard work is incredibly overwhelming. It has caused so much anxiety and pain in my mind over the past few weeks. Thankfully, I have a great Father that brings strong peace over my mind. God revealed to me that my purpose and potential cannot be unlocked through hard work. My purpose and potential cannot be attained through grit alone. Success is not a result of my own ability. Success is only attained through trust and obedience to God.
“Trust me, Son.” This phrase has been gently spoken over the ears of my heart so many times throughout the past few weeks. There’s a comfort in knowing that your Dad is going to take care of you. It breaks my heart to think about all the times I have fallen into anxiety because I forgot Who my Father was.
His heart is becoming my new focus. Trust is always birthed out of knowing His heart, because His faithfulness is always on display. It is impossible for heavenly grit to flow out of selfish ambition, but I believe that there is a Spirit-Empowered grit that rises up through obedience and trust. Trust. That is the answer that I have been searching as my mind has battled for the right strategy. There is a comfort that comes with Trust. I know there is someone so much stronger than me, who abounds in wisdom and creativity, that deeply desires to take away the burden of having to figure everything out. If I truly Trust Him, my worries about finances completely fade. If I Trust Him, I know that He will help me find the perfect job. If I Trust Him, He will teach me how to be an incredible husband to my future wife.
The more I know Him, the more I trust Him. The more I Trust Him, the less anxiety I have.
I am still dealing with these questions and fears. I still feel anxious from time to time. But I know God is perfecting my faith in this season. I love that I get to learn to trust Him. I love that I am going to get to see a beautiful story of faithfulness and love emerge from this season. I have a Father in whom I can trust. He, and He alone, will bring me through.
